I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
