Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
