If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just invented taco cereal.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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