you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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