At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
