I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
