No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize