Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
