just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
