I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
