Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
