I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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