it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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