I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
