Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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