Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
