ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
