How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
