Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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