I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
