??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
