enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
