is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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