Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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