I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
