My first STD was from a foam party
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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