my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
