Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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