Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
