Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
