i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
