i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
