he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
