Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm really busy with my period
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