my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
