I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
