he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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