I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
