she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
