god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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