Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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