Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
