White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
