Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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