When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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