you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
