tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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