She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
