Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
