do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Did I show you my penis last night?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
