What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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