i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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